In memory of

Hello Grandpa, it’s been a year
Since you were called home
Three hundred and sixty five days
Since you upped and gone

How is life there treating you
In the land of Paradise
I hope it’s peaceful there
In the heaven amongst the skies

Do you look down upon us
And see the tears in my eyes
That still leak and flow
In the depths of many nights

Are you watching over all of us
With your kind, small eyes
Like how you watched us all grow up
And saw new babies play and cry

My eyes still burn at the memory of you
But your memories, ours
Will live on in our hearts
In the millions and billions
Of our living hours
To come.

-------------------

In memoriam: 20 July 2008

Hmm

Although I say it has taken the fight out of me, sometimes at night I have flashes of hitting the ball smack down right beside the opponents' feet, or right down the line. Just like when I used to visualise while psyching myself up back in those days. And I feel the adrenaline to just rush out and start playing a match. Guess that's what insomnia does to you: That few hours of blank time where I can't study but can't sleep but just drift into all my imaginary worlds.

Think I miss playing competitive Volleyball):

Time to hang my kneepads up

I don't know what took me so long to blog about the season. Could be sloth, maybe fear. We bowed out of the season respectfully, as a Top 8 team. We knew we were out, when we lost to VJC, even though we had our last match against Hwa Chong to play 3 days later, after a weekend. I saw the last point go down, almost hitting the floor and I dove but obviously to no avail. Then, I don't know if the realisation hit me that it's over, or if it's pure frustration after hitting the floor so many times in that match, and trying so damn hard.. I fell, we all fell.

It's the hopeless hoper in me that kept me strong walking out that court. I just kept thinking we still had a chance, if we beat HC. But when Mr Tay spelt it loud, that it's game over for us.. The words had a chance to poke through the dense cloud over me and poke my heart. I don't know how is it like to end like that. I did not cry as hard as I did last year. It was a weird sensation.. Some feeling of being lost and being empty. Oh yes, numb, with the realisation. I just lay down and stared at the ceiling and let thoughts flash past me, and the constant thought drilled in my mind was: Play my best in the HC match.

I didn't play my best, but the team did. The teamwork was flawless, effortless. We stole points from the other team like water. I blocked well, my defense was good. It was of a little regret that my spiking was not up to par to end this season, but I was contented with such an amazing teamplay, best I've experienced in my life :) When we won, 2-0, the team hugged and they all jumped but I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't, mixed feelings were weighing me down maybe. But I'm so glad we ended the season, and my Volleyball story with a very good ending :)

I will miss the sweat, blood, tears, dirt. The adrenaline rush, the heart pounding in my ears. The determination to do what I want to do, which I don't have in anything else. The desire to win. How Volleyball completely possesses me to think about it day in, day out. How I force myself to stand up after countless of rollings and divings, to receive one more ball. How my teammates' encouragement give me strength to do so. The late night trainings, the team talks. The smelly kneepads, the occasional farts. I love everything about the sport, I love the people, the dynamics, the strategies, the courts.

I never forget the 6 of us, you guys will always have a special place in my heart. From nothing to something, that didn't just drop out of the sky. Sheer hard work, it was daunting then. But we pulled it off together. I would have never accomplished somethings if it was not for all of you. I would never have come this far. And then there were 13 of us. And in my heart we form the most formidable team ever. We may not walk away with the trophy as a symbol of our power, but we walk away with amazing friendships and memories. That is enough.

I've learnt so much playing this beautiful game. About life, about strength, determination. How mind can overcome matter. How your mind will push you to exceed your limits and beyond. I feel a little sad that I didn't win in the thing I wanted and could win the most, but I've come to realise finally that winning really isn't everything. It may be everything to the rest of the world, because that is how they judge a team; how many losses, how many wins. But it means nothing to us because we know what we are.

I look at 6 years' worth of jerseys and my kneepads and I'm quite sad my Volleyball life is over. I don't feel compelled to play Volleyball, I don't miss it as much as I thought I would, like last time when I couldn't even bear to not play for a week. I guess I've given so much of myself to this game, there seems to be nothing more for me to give. Time to take a rest, take up my books to study hard and diligently.

I don't know if I can ever bear to stop playing, Volleyball these 6 years is where I found solace, where I become happier even in the shittiest of days, where I feel like I can let my emotions flow freely, where I feel at ease, at home. I'm just very happy and glad to say that I've given my 10000% utmost best these 6 years in every training, I have no regrets. Besides the game, I found wonderful teammates that are more than I can ever ask for.

I will miss all of that.

I was just thinking..

That after As I want to completely immerse myself in film and literature, to lose myself in that world that has so much beauty. And then I want to explore Singapore to find quirky nooks and crannies that go unnoticed. I want to do so much. But that's 10 months later, and this is a whimsical thought. I guess it's bitterness before the sweet then. Delayed gratification. 

On a sidenote while I'm here, the weather is throwing tantrums. I woke up to unbelievably good weather in the morning to have it turn into some scorching humid sauna a few hours later. I have to turn the a/c on now, something I seldom do. But it's that unbearable. I open my door and a blast of hot, suffocating, dense air hits. Oh my): A few more days before the holiday comes and I can't say I'm looking forward to it.. It's study mania.