Hmm

Although I say it has taken the fight out of me, sometimes at night I have flashes of hitting the ball smack down right beside the opponents' feet, or right down the line. Just like when I used to visualise while psyching myself up back in those days. And I feel the adrenaline to just rush out and start playing a match. Guess that's what insomnia does to you: That few hours of blank time where I can't study but can't sleep but just drift into all my imaginary worlds.

Think I miss playing competitive Volleyball):

Time to hang my kneepads up

I don't know what took me so long to blog about the season. Could be sloth, maybe fear. We bowed out of the season respectfully, as a Top 8 team. We knew we were out, when we lost to VJC, even though we had our last match against Hwa Chong to play 3 days later, after a weekend. I saw the last point go down, almost hitting the floor and I dove but obviously to no avail. Then, I don't know if the realisation hit me that it's over, or if it's pure frustration after hitting the floor so many times in that match, and trying so damn hard.. I fell, we all fell.

It's the hopeless hoper in me that kept me strong walking out that court. I just kept thinking we still had a chance, if we beat HC. But when Mr Tay spelt it loud, that it's game over for us.. The words had a chance to poke through the dense cloud over me and poke my heart. I don't know how is it like to end like that. I did not cry as hard as I did last year. It was a weird sensation.. Some feeling of being lost and being empty. Oh yes, numb, with the realisation. I just lay down and stared at the ceiling and let thoughts flash past me, and the constant thought drilled in my mind was: Play my best in the HC match.

I didn't play my best, but the team did. The teamwork was flawless, effortless. We stole points from the other team like water. I blocked well, my defense was good. It was of a little regret that my spiking was not up to par to end this season, but I was contented with such an amazing teamplay, best I've experienced in my life :) When we won, 2-0, the team hugged and they all jumped but I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't, mixed feelings were weighing me down maybe. But I'm so glad we ended the season, and my Volleyball story with a very good ending :)

I will miss the sweat, blood, tears, dirt. The adrenaline rush, the heart pounding in my ears. The determination to do what I want to do, which I don't have in anything else. The desire to win. How Volleyball completely possesses me to think about it day in, day out. How I force myself to stand up after countless of rollings and divings, to receive one more ball. How my teammates' encouragement give me strength to do so. The late night trainings, the team talks. The smelly kneepads, the occasional farts. I love everything about the sport, I love the people, the dynamics, the strategies, the courts.

I never forget the 6 of us, you guys will always have a special place in my heart. From nothing to something, that didn't just drop out of the sky. Sheer hard work, it was daunting then. But we pulled it off together. I would have never accomplished somethings if it was not for all of you. I would never have come this far. And then there were 13 of us. And in my heart we form the most formidable team ever. We may not walk away with the trophy as a symbol of our power, but we walk away with amazing friendships and memories. That is enough.

I've learnt so much playing this beautiful game. About life, about strength, determination. How mind can overcome matter. How your mind will push you to exceed your limits and beyond. I feel a little sad that I didn't win in the thing I wanted and could win the most, but I've come to realise finally that winning really isn't everything. It may be everything to the rest of the world, because that is how they judge a team; how many losses, how many wins. But it means nothing to us because we know what we are.

I look at 6 years' worth of jerseys and my kneepads and I'm quite sad my Volleyball life is over. I don't feel compelled to play Volleyball, I don't miss it as much as I thought I would, like last time when I couldn't even bear to not play for a week. I guess I've given so much of myself to this game, there seems to be nothing more for me to give. Time to take a rest, take up my books to study hard and diligently.

I don't know if I can ever bear to stop playing, Volleyball these 6 years is where I found solace, where I become happier even in the shittiest of days, where I feel like I can let my emotions flow freely, where I feel at ease, at home. I'm just very happy and glad to say that I've given my 10000% utmost best these 6 years in every training, I have no regrets. Besides the game, I found wonderful teammates that are more than I can ever ask for.

I will miss all of that.

I was just thinking..

That after As I want to completely immerse myself in film and literature, to lose myself in that world that has so much beauty. And then I want to explore Singapore to find quirky nooks and crannies that go unnoticed. I want to do so much. But that's 10 months later, and this is a whimsical thought. I guess it's bitterness before the sweet then. Delayed gratification. 

On a sidenote while I'm here, the weather is throwing tantrums. I woke up to unbelievably good weather in the morning to have it turn into some scorching humid sauna a few hours later. I have to turn the a/c on now, something I seldom do. But it's that unbearable. I open my door and a blast of hot, suffocating, dense air hits. Oh my): A few more days before the holiday comes and I can't say I'm looking forward to it.. It's study mania.  

Happy Mummy's Day!

Dear Mummy,

You are a great cook, though we sometimes become your guinea pigs for your new exotic recipes. But you have the ability to make a superb sauce or midnight snack from just ingredients in the fridge. You are totally wacky and you amuse me when you bob your head to the music while shopping in shops hahaha. You look way below your age! And it's such a wonderful thing to be able to shop for clothes, buy them, and share with you as well! It's a treasure trove, your wardrobe! I think you are more hip than I am :D (Though I still don't understand your mustard flats!!)

You have always groomed me to be a lady -- Walk in a straight line, straight posture, shoulders back, perfect dining etiquette.. But I think I failed in all those hahaha. I will retrain myself and address your gripes about me being too rough, too manly, too .. unladyish :D

I feel special sometimes, because of your special background. Imagine! I'd miss out on all the glorious Indonesian food that appears on the table every meal. I'd miss out on hearing the nice Indonesian language and the Khek dialect when Grandma comes to visit. Oh on that.. Meet my newest family member!!

Hello meet my new cousin Brian Tjendra! I hope he comes to Singapore soon. He looks super adorable! (In a damn nice Osh Kosh jacket bah)

I digress, but thank you Mummy for being the best I could ever ask for! For being quirky, for forcing me to eat vitamins and forcing me to do the things I hate but it's "for my own good". Thank you for never putting pressure on me and always being able to protect and allay my fears. I remember those horrendous young days when I was paranoid about the police catching me -.- For putting up with my crazy antics and thoughts. Like when I all of a sudden on the spur of the moment asked her to cut my fringe today. It's neither here nor there now cos there was miscommunication but I don't really care actually, I just want it cut haha.

Happy Mama's Day!! I love you Mummy :D