This will all make perfect sense someday

2009-11-24T03:03:00.000-08:00

The grass is greener on the other site

In memory of

2009-07-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

Hello Grandpa, it’s been a year
Since you were called home
Three hundred and sixty five days
Since you upped and gone

How is life there treating you
In the land of Paradise
I hope it’s peaceful there
In the heaven amongst the skies

Do you look down upon us
And see the tears in my eyes
That still leak and flow
In the depths of many nights

Are you watching over all of us
With your kind, small eyes
Like how you watched us all grow up
And saw new babies play and cry

My eyes still burn at the memory of you
But your memories, ours
Will live on in our hearts
In the millions and billions
Of our living hours
To come.

-------------------

In memoriam: 20 July 2008

Hmm

2009-06-24T21:48:00.001-07:00

Although I say it has taken the fight out of me, sometimes at night I have flashes of hitting the ball smack down right beside the opponents' feet, or right down the line. Just like when I used to visualise while psyching myself up back in those days. And I feel the adrenaline to just rush out and start playing a match. Guess that's what insomnia does to you: That few hours of blank time where I can't study but can't sleep but just drift into all my imaginary worlds.

Think I miss playing competitive Volleyball):

Time to hang my kneepads up

2009-05-28T08:28:00.001-07:00

I don't know what took me so long to blog about the season. Could be sloth, maybe fear. We bowed out of the season respectfully, as a Top 8 team. We knew we were out, when we lost to VJC, even though we had our last match against Hwa Chong to play 3 days later, after a weekend. I saw the last point go down, almost hitting the floor and I dove but obviously to no avail. Then, I don't know if the realisation hit me that it's over, or if it's pure frustration after hitting the floor so many times in that match, and trying so damn hard.. I fell, we all fell.

It's the hopeless hoper in me that kept me strong walking out that court. I just kept thinking we still had a chance, if we beat HC. But when Mr Tay spelt it loud, that it's game over for us.. The words had a chance to poke through the dense cloud over me and poke my heart. I don't know how is it like to end like that. I did not cry as hard as I did last year. It was a weird sensation.. Some feeling of being lost and being empty. Oh yes, numb, with the realisation. I just lay down and stared at the ceiling and let thoughts flash past me, and the constant thought drilled in my mind was: Play my best in the HC match.

I didn't play my best, but the team did. The teamwork was flawless, effortless. We stole points from the other team like water. I blocked well, my defense was good. It was of a little regret that my spiking was not up to par to end this season, but I was contented with such an amazing teamplay, best I've experienced in my life :) When we won, 2-0, the team hugged and they all jumped but I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't, mixed feelings were weighing me down maybe. But I'm so glad we ended the season, and my Volleyball story with a very good ending :)

I will miss the sweat, blood, tears, dirt. The adrenaline rush, the heart pounding in my ears. The determination to do what I want to do, which I don't have in anything else. The desire to win. How Volleyball completely possesses me to think about it day in, day out. How I force myself to stand up after countless of rollings and divings, to receive one more ball. How my teammates' encouragement give me strength to do so. The late night trainings, the team talks. The smelly kneepads, the occasional farts. I love everything about the sport, I love the people, the dynamics, the strategies, the courts.

I never forget the 6 of us, you guys will always have a special place in my heart. From nothing to something, that didn't just drop out of the sky. Sheer hard work, it was daunting then. But we pulled it off together. I would have never accomplished somethings if it was not for all of you. I would never have come this far. And then there were 13 of us. And in my heart we form the most formidable team ever. We may not walk away with the trophy as a symbol of our power, but we walk away with amazing friendships and memories. That is enough.

I've learnt so much playing this beautiful game. About life, about strength, determination. How mind can overcome matter. How your mind will push you to exceed your limits and beyond. I feel a little sad that I didn't win in the thing I wanted and could win the most, but I've come to realise finally that winning really isn't everything. It may be everything to the rest of the world, because that is how they judge a team; how many losses, how many wins. But it means nothing to us because we know what we are.

I look at 6 years' worth of jerseys and my kneepads and I'm quite sad my Volleyball life is over. I don't feel compelled to play Volleyball, I don't miss it as much as I thought I would, like last time when I couldn't even bear to not play for a week. I guess I've given so much of myself to this game, there seems to be nothing more for me to give. Time to take a rest, take up my books to study hard and diligently.

I don't know if I can ever bear to stop playing, Volleyball these 6 years is where I found solace, where I become happier even in the shittiest of days, where I feel like I can let my emotions flow freely, where I feel at ease, at home. I'm just very happy and glad to say that I've given my 10000% utmost best these 6 years in every training, I have no regrets. Besides the game, I found wonderful teammates that are more than I can ever ask for.

I will miss all of that.

I was just thinking..

2009-05-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

That after As I want to completely immerse myself in film and literature, to lose myself in that world that has so much beauty. And then I want to explore Singapore to find quirky nooks and crannies that go unnoticed. I want to do so much. But that's 10 months later, and this is a whimsical thought. I guess it's bitterness before the sweet then. Delayed gratification.

On a sidenote while I'm here, the weather is throwing tantrums. I woke up to unbelievably good weather in the morning to have it turn into some scorching humid sauna a few hours later. I have to turn the a/c on now, something I seldom do. But it's that unbearable. I open my door and a blast of hot, suffocating, dense air hits. Oh my): A few more days before the holiday comes and I can't say I'm looking forward to it.. It's study mania.

Happy Mummy's Day!

2009-05-10T03:13:00.001-07:00

Dear Mummy,

You are a great cook, though we sometimes become your guinea pigs for your new exotic recipes. But you have the ability to make a superb sauce or midnight snack from just ingredients in the fridge. You are totally wacky and you amuse me when you bob your head to the music while shopping in shops hahaha. You look way below your age! And it's such a wonderful thing to be able to shop for clothes, buy them, and share with you as well! It's a treasure trove, your wardrobe! I think you are more hip than I am :D (Though I still don't understand your mustard flats!!)

You have always groomed me to be a lady -- Walk in a straight line, straight posture, shoulders back, perfect dining etiquette.. But I think I failed in all those hahaha. I will retrain myself and address your gripes about me being too rough, too manly, too .. unladyish :D

I feel special sometimes, because of your special background. Imagine! I'd miss out on all the glorious Indonesian food that appears on the table every meal. I'd miss out on hearing the nice Indonesian language and the Khek dialect when Grandma comes to visit. Oh on that.. Meet my newest family member!!

Hello meet my new cousin Brian Tjendra! I hope he comes to Singapore soon. He looks super adorable! (In a damn nice Osh Kosh jacket bah)

I digress, but thank you Mummy for being the best I could ever ask for! For being quirky, for forcing me to eat vitamins and forcing me to do the things I hate but it's "for my own good". Thank you for never putting pressure on me and always being able to protect and allay my fears. I remember those horrendous young days when I was paranoid about the police catching me -.- For putting up with my crazy antics and thoughts. Like when I all of a sudden on the spur of the moment asked her to cut my fringe today. It's neither here nor there now cos there was miscommunication but I don't really care actually, I just want it cut haha.

Happy Mama's Day!! I love you Mummy :D

So close

2009-05-07T06:31:00.001-07:00

So close to reaching
That famous happy end
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Now you're beside me
And look how far we've come
So far
We are

So close..

Honestly I am devastated about it. I was inconsolable, maybe even till now. Need time to heal and get over it! Where do I go from here? What do I do with my life now! I spent exactly one third of my life so far training and playing and now .. What? A million questions are floating around me but I guess this is not the time for closure nor reflection yet. We still have a match against HCI on Monday. My last game as a DHSVB player and I really hope those moments will be the best. It's my last chance to make my mark in the pre-tertiary Volleyball world and my last chance to bring DHS some glory as a player :) If I'm going to have a premature end to the season, let's make it good!

P.S/ Redsports did a rather nice write up of us!

Better when we're together

2009-05-05T07:31:00.000-07:00

The beginning will always be tough and rocky no? The reason I realised why I can be fearless on court this year is because I know there still are the people whose names I clutch in my hand with me. Our history is still unwritten, a huge part of it. This is what keeps me going and going. So given a blank slate, make the best out of it.

I am totally possessed by the game now and can't seem to express myself properly in words. But here's something that is so true for me, from Wenxin's blog:

It's real simple.
You got two more quarters and that's it.
Now most of you have been playing this game for ten years.
You got two more quarters and after that most of you will never play this game again as long as you live.

You all have known me for a while and for a long time now
you have been hearing me talk about being perfect.
Well, I want you to understand something.
To me, being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there.
It's not about winning.
It's about you and your relationship to yourself and
your family and your friends.

Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye,
and know that you did not let them down.
Because you told them the truth and that truth is that you did everything you could have.
There isn't one more thing you could have done.
Can you live in that moment?

It's best you can with clear eyes and love in your heart-- with joy in your heart.
If you can do that, gentlemen, then you're perfect.
I want you to take a moment and look each other in the eyes.
I want you to put each other in your hearts forever.
Because forever's about to happen here in just a few minutes.

---Halftime Speech by Coach Gary Gaines to the Permian Panthers High School Football Team during the Texas State Championships, Houston Astrodome, 1988, as depicted in the movie Friday Night Lights

I'm to fight till the end! We all are. And we're not going to slacken until the fight ends us :D Glory to DHS and DHSVB!

Mayday

2009-05-01T01:52:00.000-07:00

Applying 9o/10..

10: A tough draw
90: Emerging even tougher than our tough draw

Had a good night (as usual) out with the girls in celebration of Aggy's birthday! Though our punctuality really needs to be improved on. Maybe we should all set our clocks 1 hour earlier. And make decision dices. Throw Dice 1 for Yes/No answers. Throw Dice 2 for ethnicity of meal, Thai / Japanese / Westen / Chinese..

It's May now, Mayday. Now M'aidez takes on a whole new meaning! It's the last month before June. Means another month closer to A levels and I do not feel particularly smarter. Not even smarter than a 5th grader maybe. Taking long to find a theme for poems, and even longer to solve a math question.

But for now, the season is priority. It's the worst time to sprain the ankle.

10: Sprained ankle
90: Icing, massaging, stretching, willing it to be ok

And trust me, the mind is the best doctor actually! Next match is scarily near on Tuesday. I had the impression it was a long time before the 2nd round but 'ere it comes.

I'm rather happy for the very long holiday! Better get enough rest (though I never seem to be able to repay my sleep debt)

I just remembered the 2 tubs of Haagen Dazs in my fridge in my absolute favourite flavours! Another cause for joy :D But it shall be my reward after my blasted assignment.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for .. you

2009-04-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Volleyball is on my mind constantly, day and night and day and night and day and night. Pre-season I dreamt of volleyball twice. First dream: Halfway through a match the opponent started to serve tennis balls instead. Second dream: Also halfway through the match, they started to serve chilli padis across the net, and I failed to receive it): Is my brain making puns on the word serve in my dream!?

Entirely on a different note from volleyball I dreamt that black snakes were falling from all over and I hate snakes! Weird mad dream. I dreamt that I was in a shootout in the museum. I could keep a dream diary but all would mean nothing to me.

Alarming obviously swollen palm

On the other kinds of dreams.. I hope I can smash down more balls for the team. Need to make a breakthrough soon! Need to be as fast as flash and as fierce as fire. Ok enough of the similes. The earth is melting by the way. I hope it doesn't really just, die on us so soon): The weather is real crazy. I think we need to do 2.4 in the night. (Or we should just cancel it? Dangerous you know, in this weather? :D)

I need to think about Eekonomiks now, I'm rather unprepared):

100%

2009-04-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

I saw a gay couple on the way to the MRT. They briefly held hands then they let go. One was an African I deduce, he was wearing some Africany prints shirt; the other was a Caucasian if my memory doesn't fail me. While they were walking by, I heard the African say: They don't understand us. His partner replied: You can't expect them to understand us.

I felt that was touching and sad at the same time. They are living in a world that casts a judgmental eye on them. I guess love exists in so many forms. I just wonder why some can be valued less than others.

We're into the 2nd round of the season and that is really good news. Last year we crashed into the A'div scene and people were wondering what a secondary school is doing there. This year we crashed and crushed and I think people are thinking we're a force to be reckoned with.

Reaching the end of this amazing journey real soon, I can't imagine what is going to come after so I'm not going to think about it yet. But nearing the ending point I realised something. That the trophy is truly all but a mere symbol, a keepsake memento. What I really want is to end this journey on a high note; that the following matches we'll play the best ones ever. Because we'll not only feel that our goal of playing in a different style and league has been reached -- the ultimate goal will come naturally, the thing we all want, will come naturally with it.

C'mon guys, nothing less than more more more sweat at the final (really final) lap these weeks to come. No more regrets already ok!

I am a vampire!

2009-04-19T09:01:00.001-07:00

I got to note this down, this kind of stuff only happens once in a lifetime! So.. Saturday I got home from school. So we were all lazing in the living room and my family was eating ice cream. I didn't want any! And I haven't felt compelled to eat ice cream in a long time! So I declared: "I realised I don't eat junk!"

.. And I promptly went to take nachos and the bottle of salsa sauce to go with it. And taadaa I finished the whole bottle, and I finished the whole bag. Was enjoying it immensely throughout! Yay! So I went to take a nap! (Ok, it's so piggish. Eat and then sleep)

Napping.. napping.. And my Mum comes into my room and exclaims, "Do you ever look at what you're eating! There's mould on the lid!" But I was without my specks, and I was groggy! So I was like, "Oh! Ok, never mind lah I didn't touch that part at all!" I wasn't fazed (up till now I still am not) that I ate mould because I never really got to see the mould.

So I ate dinner and then went to do my work and my Mum comes in hours after finding out the mould saying, "I don't feel good about the mould, I keep thinking about it. Eat this!" And she puts this beige looking clump under my nose. Instinctively I opened my mouth and was about to eat it but then I realised something is weird so I asked her what is it.

IT WAS A CLOVE OF GARLIC. ONE WHOLE PIECE OF GARLIC!?!?!?!!?!?!

I went mad! And obviously said "NO! I. WON'T. EAT. THIS!" But she says it's "to kill the germs inside my stomach!" And I continued to resist and resist and then she said "Okay maybe it's too big" AND SHE WENT TO CUT IT UP! But it's never about the SIZE in the first place!!

A little ounce of me wanted to eat it cause Mummy said it's my competition season and what if I got poisoned! But the smell was so pungent. I don't even eat chopped garlic in those veggie dishes! Raw, uncooked garlic!?!? In my mouth!? I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!!!!

I was so traumatised I needed help I couldn't find anyone so I messaged Drool and he. asked. me. to. eat. it. Seriously! Lucky there was Xinhui who was the voice of some sanity.

Seriously! Mad day! Haha! And she told my Dad he ate sauce with mould on the bottle and he was completely unfazed and continued reading newspapers haha! I'm just waiting for the effects to show of post-consumption-of-mould but so far nothing yet! So far so good!

P.S/ I woke up with a stiff neck. The world is so funny!
P.S.S/ To back up the fact that the world is very funny, on msn people are really v funny

End off with a funny thing that made me burst out laughing:

[imbA]zeeeeeee(: † says:
hold on cause im signing up to become a real man

Volleyball IS a part of me

2009-04-18T06:41:00.001-07:00

That was something that I realised very clearly today. It's something I love doing, I feel comfortable doing, I feel the want to make it work. Anyway, this is the most exciting part of my volleyball life till date and I feel everything is just.. Falling into place :)

TPJC Friendly: A good game the day before the season starts to get us warmed-up and ready!

CJC: We won 2-0 and the feeling was amazing. When we won a point, there seems to be some mysterious force that throws us together in the middle of the court. And the hug was solid, assuring and energy-giving. Even as we cheer, I could hear the rest of the team cheering as well! And it felt comforting to know that they are supporting you as you take your place to serve. During time-outs, water, towels, encouraging words, squeezes and pats are handed out. There and then, I know that it's the best team that I have ever been in. It's a privilege, to be part of this wonderful family :)

International Khakis Friendly: We won 4-2! They were all so tall and really diverse in races! Japanese, Chinese, European/American/Australian and probably some were mixed too. It was an eye-opener for me really, some of their balls were really steep because of their height. It felt really good to block their balls or spike a point :) I have more to learn, naturally and I have to absorb and execute all the advice within such a short time so I can have more breakthroughs one after another. Slowly building up!

2009-04-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

LET'S GO

DUNMAN

LET'S GO!

I will carry everyone's hopes and well-wishes as a fiery,
burning pendant around my neck and against my heart
that will give me strength, hope, fire and to help me soar.

Impending partings

2009-04-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

Su Rong says:
so i wont be seeing you this week and until dec right?

Su Rong says:
we will see each other for the next 2 yrs at least

Su Rong says:
we have been seeing each other every week for 10+ yrs alr (Around 13 to be exact)

zhi xin! says:
actually it'll be quite sad to graduate

zhi xin! says:
like won't ever see teacher sharon or you or ivan or amelia much anymore

Su Rong says:
we dont really see amelia much what

Su Rong says:
she come back alr meh?

Oh yea. hor. She hasn't come back from her super long hiatus yet.

Breeze

2009-04-12T03:17:00.000-07:00

I dreamt that I got back my A level results, last night. On it it says B D B D A A A. B for Maths (!) and Literature (!). D for Economics and History. A for GP, to my pleasant surprise. My overall grade, in bright burning red was an F. I remember wishing in my dream that it was a dream. Thank goodness it is. Perhaps its a warning (I sincerely hope I'm not Raven) that I should be working hard now to avoid that sad scene.

The weather today was so perfect, cooling after the rain. Even now as I speak, there are children's voices from the playground, therapeutic sound of the racket hitting the tennis ball and the chirping of birds. Aural bliss, I call it. Good Friday was good with the team at Sentosa, though it was packed. Had crazy ole' fun (at least I thought it was) walking in the crazy rain barefooted.

The past week has really been good! Dinner with A.S.S, mini outings and such. Contentment settles snugly like a cat in its blanket laden basket. This week, I begin on the most important and the last chapter of my DHSVB life. I'm stalling my thoughts about life after volleyball till later. I hope it never comes, though it is futile hoping.

I'm just hoping for the very very best of myself and the team, so we can close this chapter with no regrets, no if onlys.

Withdrawn

2009-04-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

So there is something heavy in the air, there is something heavy in our hearts. With every look, every word, we hesitate on spilling the beans. I'd like to spill the beans too, spill it everywhere, anywhere, all over. There'd be too many beans to keep back, all scattered around. There is a longing in our hearts, there is a crack where it can't be mended. In the crack, memories and thoughts are stashed and wedged in it tightly, safely, secretly. I like to consider alternatives and plan an escape route just in case. The alternative routes are an escape. The escape is alternative.

My mind whirrs on the impossibles, the possibilities, the could-have-beens, the hypothetical questions. But so what. What's the point. I think I've completely missed the point.

Another Roadtrip Sunday

2009-04-05T05:45:00.001-07:00

What was originally on the family's agenda:
Deliver food to aunt's place, breakfast out

What happened ultimately:
All the above, islandwide search for brother's shoes, discovery of quaint places.

Sundays remind me totally why I am adamant that it should be my family day. There is this peaceful, quiet nature that lingers in the air. Ok so the places we went: Beach road, Queensway, and a few other places all within 5 hours. The weather started out hot, then booming thunder and heavy rain, and then when the rain stopped, the air was crisp, light and fresh. I'd like to fill my lungs up with it.

I'd like to punch myself for always not bringing the camera out; but then again, the plans always fan out to be something different. Today we found ourselves exploring a quaint little abandoned part of Rochester Road if I got it correct. A district of black and white colonial houses all deserted, tucked away quietly in the greenery. A flock of brilliantly colored birds fly around the area: glistening emerald and blue.

And then, a little distance more we found ourselves at Portsdown and Wessex Village and I fell in love with that place. It's like utopia. It doesn't even look like it's in Singapore. I miss it already! All the black and white colonial houses too, mostly occupied by artists. I'd like to explore the whole area, it might be tiring on foot. Wish I had a vintage Vespa to go around there. All the little kids jumping on huge trampolines, tyre swings. There's a lovely restaurant area there, quiet, serene, peaceful. We're going back to try one day yay!

Can't wait to go back there with family, and hopefully with Drool too. Could envisage myself on the skyblue vintage Vespa with camera in tow! Or in a quaint Mini Cooper. Or in something that can put the roof down. Or in his I-don't-know-what-he-wants but then I'd want to roll the windows down to soak in the wonderful weather.

Byebye Sunday! Hello Monday): Thankfully it's a shortie week!

Dear No. 6..

2009-04-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

Can't you jump higher? Spike harder, see it hit the floor with everyone gaping at it? Can't you lift your arms and garner your strength to just hit it? Can't you use your might, can't you block better? Can't you be a perfect player, can't you lift the team up with your hands? The worst blow will be if it really is that I can't, not I won't.

15 days, all the time I have left to prepare ever. I need to grasp it tightly as it slips through my fingers. In no time, we'd be walking on court making history. How good or bad history goes, time will tell.

Let's do it.

The Winter's Tale

2009-03-31T06:50:00.000-07:00

Went for The Winter's Tale at the Esplanade. The setting, music and acting was good, except I couldn't really catch what they were saying (apart from the Rogue's dialogue because he was speaking normal English instead of the ye' ole English or something)

Bigshot names include: Sam Mendes, Ethan Hawke and Josh Hamilton! Ethan Hawke was so so hilarious. The quality and ability of his to change his voice is amazing. In the role it was husky and deep (and his singing totally left me enraptured) and his normal voice in the Q&A session was so attractive and melodious!

He's really talented as well -- Movie star, theatre actor, novelist, musician of sorts(?) And through the Q&A you can tell he really loves acting and he is smart too. Amazing! Such plays let me have such deep respect and awe for theatre and acting.

P/S: Minor gripe --I was sitting in front of this United Nations row of sorts with teens of different ethnicity and all. And they just kept murmuring, whispering and disturbing me. It was already hard to catch what they were saying on stage and this just topped the cake.

There's this guy.. dork. And he was trying so hard to play cool and be witty but it just falls lame. Probably try'na impress the girls. He really is a dork. When Ethan Hawke came out with a guitar in the play he went "wooohooo oh yeaaa!" Sure, guitar's like your thing. Like, ok. Like, stop like talking already?

100% perspiration

2009-03-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

"I trust you enough that you will come back very very strong."

I just hope I can live up to Mr Tay's trust, and I hope my own will pull me through. I have never fought for something so hard, never wanted something so badly in my life before. 19 days till the season comes and I am going to breathe, live, think volleyball.

We have to continue the upswing, team! I believe, I really really do. Always have. I may not be performing like I should now but I promise I will try so hard to be who I was last season but even better.

Meanwhile, we should continue to get our spirits up and high! And we will write the story we've always wanted to write. I'm so scared yet so excited and determined at the same time. I'm going to give it my all, because soon it'll end.

Then there'd be nothing for me to give to.

The Reason

2009-03-24T07:12:00.001-07:00

I can't lose at the only thing I can win in. I just can't.

1:01AM

2009-03-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am currently wanting to eat so much food. More than my tummy can handle. I think I live to eat, no? It's a bottomless pit. Real hungry now! Can't wait to wake up to hot chicken pie for breakfast. Yes, that shall be a fantastic way to start my term.

Back to my essay now, the first step is the hardest. The next 234,539,193 steps will be much easier I hope! And here's wishing all the luck to the basketballers for their first match later!

(Much later at 1:29AM..)

I'm.. err almost there! Thank goodness for Mel's zeebabom and Ag's power to spur me on.

Cheeseburgers, Thai food, sushi, anyone?

Girls' Night Out

2009-03-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

A quick one before I hit bed, what a jam-packed week this has been. Dinner with the girls tonight, and full attendance first time ever on an outing! No CCAs, no commitments bogging us down this time! They surprised me with a humongous 18 balloon that I'm quite scared of because it's so large, and a River Island wallet! Thanks so much guys :D

Pictures up together with my birthday post when I get the loot from V, Drool, Ties and the rest :D It has been an extensive birthday for me, with so much love from everyone and so many cakes and celebrations! It has been a truly wonderful 18 years for me, and I'm really very thankful for everything I have and had.

I'm happy! And I hope nothing takes that away from me, and I hope I won't stop finding happiness, no matter how small it may be -- even in the most miserable of times.

Happy Birthday Daaddy!

2009-03-14T00:14:00.000-07:00

We are like peas in a pod (distinguishable by a generation of course), partners-in-crime and big food fanatics (with big stomachs)! You are the best, bestest bestestest best Daddy anyone could have and I'm so thankful that I have you!

You are funny and friendly, sometimes a bit laaame but that's amusing as well! I could write a book on you and I've always thought of doing so one day.

I hope I can continue to do you proud with the As. You always have high expectations and hopes of me, but never tell me so because you don't want to pressurize. But I'll work hard and that shall be my goal -- To do you and Mum proud!

I love you! :D

Hypnotising

2009-03-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

Haha this picture reminds me of us spotting Joseph busking. It was bewildering.

The weekend just flew by, as usual. Saturday was particularly enjoyable cause we had friendly with TJ and I had lunch with long-time-no-see team mate Pang who is so super funny still! I love her haha! It's such a pity Krystal couldn't be there for the little reunion! It's real nice to ketchup after so, so long):

I'm going to unlock my brain! If only I knew the code or the key or the method to. Maybe I shall bang my head against some unsuspecting head .. Like.. I don't know, some genius in our level like Derrick then maybe his smartness can diffuse into my head!

So much for 4 years of Biology knowledge. Diffusion of smartness, what a smart idea! I am going to sleep on my History notes now, so that it can diffuse into my head by tomorrow morning.

How come you smile like that

2009-03-06T06:48:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry we're chasing a long-gone train
Sorry we're waiting in the drought for rain
And then years on we'd stare wistfully;
For they all never came, never came.

And what once could be, isn't what it is
Sunk too deep, gone too steep
We might have been, we may be
Time will tell, time to sleep

* * *

The DHS A'div teams are really bucking up and rising to the season! I think it's really effective to train/play with the guys which I did today, helps to stretch your potential so much more. I hope we can all push on with the 40 days left! As with studies as well ): I got to buck up and start picking up all my knowledge which is flimsy and all over the place.

I got to reach my goals!

Daydreamer

2009-03-01T07:34:00.000-08:00

Jiufen, Taiwan

I am going to grin, grit and bear it for 240+ days till the As commences and finishes! Some sacrifices have to be made, some headachey questions have to be done but I'm going to believe that it'll lead me to a better place :D

Hopefully if the world doesn't end (like some cynics around ardently believe it will by the time we all get married) I'd live out in reality the dreams I have in my head, oh how I wish those dreams will come true! After this year, all sorts of changes and things will happen, and I hope that with effort put in this year, it will be wonderful things coming my way.

*Beams in excitment and anticipation!*

Hope

2009-02-28T05:06:00.000-08:00

Dangles on a string

Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye And roped me in
So mesmerizing, And so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

Fear builds up inside of me as I fall into another pitfall. What is it in me that is missing? I keep hoping, I have hoped for years. Now the final chance presents itself to me in 44 days, and I am rendered helpless. I don't want to bring my team down, I really want to be the best that I can; ever.

So clear Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am

So scared that it's not that I won't do it, it's that I can't, that it's not in me. That would be the worst blow ever): But I'm going to keep believing myself, I will give myself the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to keep pulling myself up, one step after another. I'm going to bide my time, slowly and surely.

I'm really quite scared that I can't be what I want to be and that crazy fear makes me cry. I will keep fighting! I want it so, so, so, so, so badly.

Slight hope, Dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
...................................................

Longing

2009-02-22T07:30:00.001-08:00

I could go many places in my head
While I'm still sitting just right here
I could see the things I long to see
But then I'm nowhere near

I long for the strings to come away
No more pulls and tugs
But I fear that I will fall and sway
Without you holding me up

Is it written, really or is it a myth
That I might never know
But do I stay in one place or do I drift
One day to you I'll show

Monday blues

2009-02-09T06:42:00.000-08:00

What looks like a week terrible to live through
(although 2 important days fall on it)

Will be conquered.

Keep in sight the light through the gloom

For they radiate happiness and hope,
In shafts of light

Crazily:

2009-02-07T02:39:00.001-08:00

I would just like to say,
Today is a beautiful day.

And so I took a deep breath, real deep breath now. And the day is in my lungs. But you wouldn't know, would you. Do you even want to? How I spend my days flitting past feeling like a dandelion. How I spend my nights flitting past my thoughts, getting lost, getting mad, getting sad, getting around places; all that while I'm still in bed.

The poet who locked herself up in her room until she died. Was that tragic? Maybe she just wanted time-out. It doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Maybe she had a window like mine. One that could make me see out into the world, but cannot let me see into your head. But that other poet who blasted her head in the oven, not a good idea I think. Or were they the same person?

Time is like sand, seeping past my fingers faster when I seek to grasp it harder. I yearn like crazy to just give it no thought to throw it away and laugh blissfully and run away. But I can't, not with invisible ropes telling me to hold on, hold on. I will keep the sand together, I will muster all that I have to do so.

And when the time comes, when all the sand is gone; hooray. I will let go, and then rejoice, for no dismay shall come to me further.

Goals, gold and glory

2009-02-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

I've been pondering a lot about Volleyball these days with the impending season in sight. I can't bear for this season to come because it's the last ever one (unless there's a U19) that I'd take part in while I'm still in pre-tertiary education. I keep thinking that I won't play again but I know maybe that I'll find my way back to the courts again.

For an extremely uncompetitive person like me, competitiveness that the matches hold excite me. The adrenaline, the euphoria, the disappointment, the anger. What a cauldron of emotions a single hour plus can hold. This is the last chance that I can ever have to bring DHS a trophy in Volleyball with my own hands. What wouldn't I give to achieve the dream we've had since 5 years ago. What legacy? What dream? What price do we have to pay for that?

To get 50 points first in a match, we have worked 50 months or so. I have to stop being sick and start being furious in self-trainings outside of trainings.

*Deep breath*

On a happy note:

2009-02-04T07:26:00.001-08:00

I am going to wake up to the best porridge in the world tomorrow!!

There was this spot of glue on my table and I shifted everything away from that tiny blob. I think I hate glue.

I played not bad today! Cheerios to the plan, may it help me from now till the season!

Get well soon Ray and to anyone who's sick or whom I might have accidentally infected :S

Good luck for tests which are flooding in.

And for H1 History students for the 1.5 hours today. May you maybe get the carrot of a 5 minutes break.

May the weather stop fluctuating like crazy leading me to somehow believe (a little) of Mel's "The World is Ending!" belief.

May 0135 strike lottery!

Well done candidates your vibrancy and enthusiasm is really heartwarming!

My nephew IS the cutest kid in the world! I want to kidnap him and play cars and coloring books! He is super cute and squishy!

His brother was once super super cute too! But he got older and is stronger so he can fight me):

Happy Birthday Derek!

Nostalgia

2009-02-01T05:07:00.000-08:00

Had Dimsum lunch in Chinatown at the restaurant we normally go to, and then decided to walk around to relieve the super round stomachs. I was ushered into this nostalgic mood there and then. At this shop there are photo comparisons between the past Singapore and the present one. It suddenly hit me that much of our culture and heritage has been diluted by globalisation, technology and complete ignorance and indifference towards our culture.

Even Chinatown has become so commercialised with so many 3 for $10 stalls and people hawking the same wares at the same price in almost every shop you pass. It's such a pity, really. I think I like the past -- The simple street life like those recreated on TV shows, the rich culture and traditions and further away from home, those Victorian style houses, castles and clothes.

A shift back to now, what a different place it is. What a difficult place to live in, what a sometimes cold and distant landscape. I am guilty of not knowing how to speak my dialect, though I understand my Mum's. I am guilty of not knowing how to cook, sew or do anything very traditional. I didn't even know my Dad's grandma was Peranakan until he told me and showed me this belt of hers dated back to 1918. I eat Indonesian dishes almost every meal and I hardly know their names.

Can you imagine? This generation of ours is going to be the old generation one day. What will we pass on to our next generation? Will we become people who do not know our traditions, dialect, not know how to cook, paint, sew, draw? Will the only things we can pass on to our kids be computer skills, rusty memories and Singlish? Even then our computer skills may become obselete. What a bleak thought.

On a different note, I like that area a lot. Shall roam there one day.

Sadderday (Ok, not really)

2009-01-31T00:25:00.000-08:00

>:(

I am upset! Because I left my file in school and I can't do any homework because all my stuff is inside there. I really hope it's in class! Frustrating feeling): If I had not fallen asleep after dinner yesterday perhaps I'd be able to realise it and get it back today. Funny thing was I went to look for Ivan's file today which he left in school though the room was locked.

Training today was good and I'm relieved my plan is working! I got my touch back and it was good to see it come back during the drills/match. The mind really helps your body do wonders. I have to start psyching myself up in time for the season such that I'm at my peakest in 5+ years.

Is it a line I'd never reach

2009-01-24T07:12:00.000-08:00

We get caught up in a flurry of activity again. And although it has only been a week, it feels like a continuance from the years before. A constant cycle of to-school, in-school, from-school. Constant silent recharges such as these saves.

I don't know how or why being offered such a beautiful view of the stars in the skies could make my heart so much lighter, happier. I could walk backwards on the way home to absorb it in, instead of furtive glances upwards, if not for the curious glances that come my way.

I need to remember moments such as these, when I get a light through a peephole in my cardboard box. I need to remember my dreams, my hopes and the promise to get there.

To be free of all inhibitions and roam the streets
Live the life, leave the pain and the losing streak
Take a leaf from an old book, take the firemen lift
And then you might see what I've always wanted
To see.

Breathless

2009-01-19T04:58:00.000-08:00

And the legendary first day of my last uniform schooling year begins with a couple of us sitting in a row feeling like a pile of poo drowning and lost in math. New campus, new teachers, new topics to fret over and trudge through. But on the bright side (that borders on self-denial) there is only 284 more days to go. Hey, what's 284 to us when we're 365 x 17!

.. Right?

I guess it's time for a borderline student like me to muster up all my brains I have ever acquired in my life to make it good at last.

Taiwan, 2008

But besides that I still have mountains to conquer, some quite high and terrifying.. But what's the quote?

"I can conquer the world with one hand, if I have your hand in the other."

Strength : Strength

2009-01-17T06:20:00.000-08:00

Orientation '09 is over! And I've learnt these things about the people whom I like very much!

1. Gladine eats chilli, normal amount
2. Leonard's dancing is FREAKING funny
3. Hong Wen is still meticulous, wise and can't do Javier's expression
4. Cherie's brain is degenerating by the day, she's mad!
5. Andrew has fat eyeballs and can't close his eyes fully when he sleeps
6. Javier is superrr pretty! Like his face is constantly pretty hahaha!
7. Vanessa gets upset when her loudhailer is missing haha
8. Samson is SUPER CRAZY AND FUNNY I have to elaborate later
9. Ivan's speaking style is so distinctively Ivan
10. Ray opened his heart and his secret to me heehee
11. Eugene too!
12. And I realized with every event I grow as a person, leader and friend

Back to Samson's point (8). A few of us were in the SC room in the wee hours chit chatting while accompanying Hong Wen cause he had things to settle. I was lying against the couch laughing at Samson because he was in his sleeping bag (the whole body, except his head) and he was scolding people for making noise etc. in such a funny way! Hahaha like a grouchy uncle. Then like approx. 15 minutes later after I forgot about him I saw Vanessa looking at the floor beside me so naturally I turned and then..

I saw Samson (with his ENTIRE body in the sleeping bag except for his head) wiggling like a worm TOWARDS ME. His whole body was faced downwards and he was trying to maneuvre himself towards me without hands and all.. and his head was just like facing me and he looked like he was a madly convulsing worm or what and he was making a weird monstrous sound and I got a shock so I screamed):

But it was ULTRA funny what in the world prompted him to do that!! And after we broke camp we were mass clearing up SC room + SL then he and I were sweepers and I just kept sweeping up dirt even though we were ending the clean up then he looked at me and at the dustpan with such pitiful eyes and pleaded with me: Stop clearing up already please, you can just go get married now and clean all you want. My mother sweeps the floor everyday.

HAHAHAHA.

What I've been up to

2009-01-10T01:12:00.000-08:00

Tuesday: Friendly, Xinhui's birthday surprise, music class
Wednesday: Chalet, no sleep
Thursday: Chalet, Friendly, really no sleep
Friday: Chalet, orientation preparation, training
Saturday: Training

Sunday: Family, back to school for orientation preparation

And for the following whole week we're going to have orientation 2009! Surprisingly I'm still alive and feeling ok! Moreover training's at Hougang sans today's one which was in school. Less than a few months to the season and I better start psyching myself up already!

I super love walking home! Either from Kembangan MRT but especially from the Eunos side when the weather is awesome! The walk from Eunos is super.. Therapeutic and the view is like, picturesque with all the houses. When I reach home I'm super happy and calm!

And the indoor volleyball court in school is super awesome I love it!

**

Plus, as an afterthought, I decided to have mini resolutions for the year.
1. Don't be late
2. Be disciplined
3. Be good and nice

Okay it sounds rather silly ok, especially (3) but I seem to be keeping up with it! When I was walking home a little boy fell down on his bike and I asked him if he needed help and if he was ok. This happened 2x to me! And today I asked an auntie if she needed help carrying her trolley bag up the stairs. Feels good if we just take a little step forward.

And! I'm crash coursing (in a really short time) my brother for volleyball because soooooooo weirdly and miraculously he wants to go for the trial. I think he'd be better in track oh well but it must be because my volleyball koolness aura must be emanating at home and infecting him HAHAHA. But half the time I'm dunzo after training I nap at home. Heehee.

Number (1) is just disastrous. Need to work on my 100 year habit. Ironically I'm never late for school but that's just cause my Dad sends me. For 2009... I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

P/S: It feels good! Quite shuang, when you're early! Haha!

I sometimes wonder

2009-01-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

If every nuance of "you" is me.

Training today at Hougang sports hall, what's with that place and CCAB! No fans and hardly any ventilation. We all had to go out to gasp for air and to refill our lungs with non-musty, stale air. Like a smoking break people take during office hours or something. Thought my long buried asthma is back or something. Thankfully it got better later. Powers of adaption humans have!

Didn't play well at all, apologies to the team! Feel quite bad. Tomorrow's friendly bright and early in the morning with MJ, hope it's going to have quite a few good rallies!

Craving for McDonald's):

And it feels so surreal it's 2009, better enjoy this mock-holiday of sorts where we all happily go for chalet and walk on streets with hardly anyone on it. When school starts, it's really going to be all the way till the As.

The sky was impossibly blue and bright today.

In 2008..

2009-01-01T00:52:00.000-08:00

Am really glad to have been in 5C13!
This vocal, crazy fantastic class makes Senior High x 10 better!!

Thankful to have made it into House Committee, and met 11 super likeable people whom I really dearly love to be with :D

Not forgetting Ray + Eugene, whom has helped, encouraged, laughed (at me haha!) and spent fun/hard times together with me. Thank you to both of you, for your help and becoming closer friends than before! Love you two!

I lost, but will never forget a loved one.

Toiled hard for Cineodeon but although it didn't come to fruition, it didn't come to naught. Taught me so much, learnt so much. Cheers to the team!

Had a super wonderful experience in Taiwan and
I wouldn't have had one without DHSVB.

Became part of the 1st A'Division team of DHSSH in history.
Love you guys, and you all form a huge part of my life and memories!

Am thankful, for Ties, for keeping me safe and being patient,
and being there always.

For always keeping me happy, hopeful and believing.
For being sturdy, and always trying to keep me afloat.
For being there always and bringing so much joy :D

And for my wonderful family, which I am immensely grateful for:

Each day I hope for their health, happiness and safety.
Thank you for being such wonderful fun parents,
and pesky but nonetheless a rather good brother.

----------

2008 has seen many beginnings, and some endings. Another year has passed, another one has come. In 2008 I've learnt to be stronger, and reignited my belief and hope in everything. With the people by my side, I see things, I learn, and am ready to face things I couldn't without you all. Though sometimes grief, sadness and unfortunate things come my way, be it big or small; I am willing to accept it however afraid I am, because although it may / may not be my destiny (depending on your belief) it helps me to be who I am today.

I found peace with myself, and though there are struggles there and then I guess I'm okay. I feel happy, I feel safe and I would really like to continue to feel that way. There's really nothing like feeling happy, euphoric and peaceful.

Although 2009 has sneakily come amidst the preparations and the work for House, we all noticed 2008 has passed exceptionally quick and frighteningly so. Resolutions I won't make, but I hope for health and happiness to all, and for my A's to be better than what I am capable of.

Happy 2009 World!

From Down Under

2008-12-29T07:34:00.000-08:00

Australia totally overwhelmed me! You might want to empty your bladder before the close to 3-hour movie if yours is puny. Many people ran for it (during and after). But it's so nice! Ah. Hardly any movies nowadays take breaths away. I super recommend A Beautiful Mind as well.

Had a nice night! One of the last nights of 2008.

For now and from forever: it's been house house house house house. Optimism really is the light in the dark to guide you.

Shocker

2008-12-27T07:02:00.000-08:00

Ever heard of the phrase "With great power comes great responsibility?" If you have never believed in it, start believing.

Anyway long distance today + gym + 12x2 flights of stairs. Came out of it alive but I don't feel like I'm winning myself. I have to steel my mind further. Do I have to steel my heart? Ok I think mind would suffice. For all you busy bees out there, grit and bear it! The year is ending, soon.

I cannot have forgotten

2008-12-26T06:54:00.000-08:00

The pains we took to reach this far, and with a only a few more weeks to the season.. How could I lose my spiking touch? I need more training for crying out loud! Can't wait for the friendly on the 6th. If they do their best, it's the yardstick to measure where we lie.

From now till the 31st, everyday is jam packed with action! I knew the holidays will be over in a blink. Seems to stretch for eternity at the beginning and looking back it's a mere second, pity. 2009's a-looking like a tough year ahead and I need the adrenaline to pull me through.

Little Nonya is damn exciting! So is gym + long distance tomorrow O.O Mind > matter, mind > matter.

-----

If the ink was erased from your book
Would you know it, take a second look
What keeps you there, what holds you
All the thoughts, the past, the love?
Or is the things that I did and do

If expectations fell and hopes crashed
If it all turned out to be a sorry mess
Who's to blame and who's at fault
It takes two to tango
Two hands to clap
Two miserable hearts
To make it end

Hallelujah!

2008-12-25T06:08:00.000-08:00

I feel happy, I feel quite at peace! *Hugs myself* My family means the world to me and here's a toast of health, happiness and love to them and all whom I know too!

Merry Christmas!

Magical sparkles

2008-12-24T02:15:00.000-08:00

Somehow the Christmas magic cannot be found on me this year! I hope it's just a one-off time and it's not that I've grown up; it cannot be lost forever noo.

Breaking from training till the year end apart from the friendly on Boxing Day. Have not been performing to the standards of my peak this year, if that can't be done, how to peak at a higher point?

Had a little party in school today with the volleyball family! I'm so thankful/lucky I get nice angels always!

2008-11-29T00:00:00.000-08:00

To Taiwan with the team:

A temporary escape from the mundane days;
A brief runaway from being a real floppy slug!

I just hope my teeth will be intact and not broken
Say, by like any lethal 100km/h Taiwanese spikes

Will be missing you (I promise!) but anyhow,

Be right back!

Hues

2008-11-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

When the sun sets, I guess it must make his exit worthwhile.

(Un)inspired

2008-11-25T05:00:00.000-08:00

Think I might need the thrills of discovery
A breathtaking stunning beauty to feed on
Haven't had that kind of dose in a long long
Long while.

So my mind, is a huge huge empty, barren
Wasteland.

Our game is as tight as our spandex.

2008-11-22T04:46:00.000-08:00

(HAHA now that can be held true)

My passion for Volleyball might at times be lowered, doused, dampened. But I don't think I have ever been ready to give up the game. It's the crucial time of the year again, and the most important time our lives. Our last game next year for DHS.

Really need to focus now, and mistakes can't be made come the season. Panic/fear/worry grips me hard occasionally nowadays. Are we up to it? But we have to be. There are still many things I have yet to achieve and make consistent.

I have to steel my mind to steel my body.

Taiwan trip in a week! It's gonna be a blast with the team I know it :D Our outside spikers are also returning home soon! Can't wait for their travel stories! Missing them much):

"I've worked too hard and too long to let anything stand in the way of my goals. I will not let my teammates down and I will not let myself down."
- Mia Hamm

Brief(case)

2008-11-20T08:30:00.000-08:00

Eva's 17th celebration at El Patio's and Cold Rock and a shitty toilet (HAHA) on Wednesday night with the gang! Had good fun as always!!

Volleyball cheerleading in the morning with the team. Cracked me up like mad watching the guys jumping, bouncing, rolling, falling on the mat and screaming while trying to stand on each other. 2 short meetings after that.

Brother's PSLE results rather disappointing for my parents, guess I better work hard and buck up! Cannot let their hopes (if any) and my goals crash. But.. *gazes at Math TYS sadly* I guess I have a loong, uphill climb!

Midnight fridge raid turned these up and into my stomach:
1) Doughnuts
2) A slice of Cheese
3) Ham with Wasabi and Mayo

Normally would have a dear reminder to stay away from midnight snacking but my post-it-note is not in Singapore): Empty in every sense of the word (HAHA what is this melancholy) Ugh, feeling sketchy/testy.

NO MORE TGIF I DON'T WANT HOLIDAYS TO END SO FAST. OR 5TH DECEMBER TO COME SO FAST.

Goodnight :D

A lack of colour

2008-11-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

Training today with the new coach was not bad, except instead of rolling/diving I'm just flinging myself everywhere. Accumulated 2 injuries through the months: Shins + the stupid wrist. I don't know what's wrong with my wrist! When I spike, the whole underarm cramps. When I set, the nerve stings like crazy until it hurts! It stands in my way of doing what I want to do.

Need to hit the line, every time. There's a lot I need to work on, can feel the pressure mounting!

Anyway, from Cineodeon Symposium:

With Royston Tan the man himself
(I'm sorry, Terek!)

Jean Hair (Many thanks to her!)

The Dunman High delegates

"Citius, Altius, Fortius"

2008-11-11T06:52:00.000-08:00

Swifter, higher, stronger.

I'm going to be swifter in getting balls, higher in my jumps and stronger in my spikes/serves. A few more months to the culmination of it all, the final competition of my pre-tertiary years, and probably my last. It has taken 5 years to it, and I must not let it just slip out of my hands.

Many times the trophy eluded me (especially in Year 4, the memory stings even till now). Perhaps 200% wasn't enough. Let's try 300%. Though I admit I haven't been trying hard in PTs consistently, will make an effort to do so now.

My holidays must be constructive! Been screaming that forever. And look at me now, living in a cluttered mess -- A half-hearted attempt to clear what's like post-war debris. Many pictures to post, the blogging bug left me for awhile and I turned to pen and paper but it looks like I'm back.

(With an uncluttered blog)

Please stop

2008-11-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

Throwing your fantastic weight around.

I'm hearing what you say but
I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait

You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say
That it's too late to apologize,
It's too late

Middle of a see-saw

2008-11-03T06:49:00.000-08:00

Do you know I read the words between your lines
The black ink on the black, shadowed paper?
Do you know I can tell, I can read your mind
And your words won't help me to remember

I'm sorry it's already early November
No questions, no qualms, no curiosity
No words, no hints, no lasting answers
Your wonderment must have eaten you

Alive.

Pass the quiet roads

2008-11-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

In the car..

Me: Maybe I want to work in a museum?
Dad: Then when you grow old you can be part of it!

Took a longer way home by car after dinner today. Drove pass Little India, Albert Court, Geylang.. To say Singapore has nothing much in it probably does her a little injustice. Such a diverse population, different ways, different people. A melting pot.

Something struck me along the way. While stopping for a traffic light, I saw in the 2nd level of an old shophouse, a man. Okay there's nothing interesting about him really. He had a big stomach. But through the little window I saw that he was lying down reading a book, and there was yellow light behind him. His space was so small, his curtain around his bed was his clothes hanging to dry. Yet he looked so at peace, comfortable, reading his book.

From the other window I saw similar set-ups in the room. Clothes acting as curtains, cordoning off the beds. I wonder how many people could that small room hold. Those people finding a way to live here to support their family in some other country, actually find peace just by reading a book in small cramped place, overlooking a quiet road.

The cashier at Carrefour was an old man with long sightedness. He was really slow in his movements and in finding the barcodes. The people in front of me knew that he was slow, but did not let any signs of frustration or impatience loose. That comforted me in some way or another, that in this bustling mad city where time is money and money can't buy time, people still know how to give and take, and allow others a little of their Sunday night.

Places hold memories don't they, flashbacks of when I was little come and then emotions that I had then flood in too. There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. (Nelson Mandela) Sadly, people go, places go, and everyone changes.

There are many things that my eyes see, and then my heart feels. I wonder if there is some kind of way I can replicate it as it is, for others to feel and see as well.

Delirium

2008-10-31T08:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know, but I believe
That some things are meant to be

A good day!

2008-10-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

The PW group came over today to practise! Spent some time watching TV and slacking then went on to do serious practise! Super happy with our last last presentation, I thought we ended the day on a high morale and confidence boost! Really essential for us to sleep well at night and do a smashing presentation tomorrow!

Then halfway through our 2nd last practise, BOOM! Melissa, Xin Hui and Agnes crashed into the house and gave us a shock (I jumped.) Eh you guys! My maid always lets them sneak in unnoticed!! Always!! Then Ham and Eva came after meeting my Mum somewhere!

And then dinner..

PW Group: 2 pizzas, meatballs, drinks
Ties: 9 packets of instant noodles

I don't really see the hype about the noodles though, entirely amazed when they were coming and they want to cook dinner in my kitchen.

Me: Cook what?
Eva: Instant noodles!

My Mum was amazed at the amount, we cooked 2 woks!

Before the 2nd round..

Mum: So how many packets should we cook now
Me: Uh I don't know
Mum: 2?
Me: (Thinks..) 4!
Mum: O.O
Me: That's why I'm like that, and that's why I don't diet :D

HAHA! After that took pictures! With my brother as the photographer of the day. Seriously, funny pictures + comments will be updated soon!

Craving for something

2008-10-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

More, more, more, more, more, more.

Mindless routines when given some thought, startles; as if caught by surprise, as if being programmed to do so. We claw at the running mill and try to get out but we tumble over onto the soft hay. There is nowhere to go! But we are given such sweet water to drink, we are given such a variety and the finest selection of food! Oh what can we ask for, we should stay here in this cage and do our very best (to be cute) because that is what's expected of us!

But a big hello to you, if you have also tumbled onto the soft hay.
And are wondering what to do now.

To a great friend:

2008-10-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

Of 10+ years and counting..

You're quirky, hilarious, sensible, frank.

I hope we stay fast friends for life! And never drift away :D

Cos I know I've got your back,
and I hope you know I have yours too

HAVE A SUPERB 17TH BIRTHDAY
MELISSA CHAN YONG HUI!

Much love and joy, ZX!

THIS POST WILL VANISH

2008-10-21T07:55:00.001-07:00

Many things have happened since I last blogged! Cyber-sloth creeping up on me, no urge to click clack to blog. Results came back I did average but I know I can do better! That shall be my motivation to study during the holidays. I just need to get the hang of numbers and funny signs.

I grew like a whale. My fats on the tummy are like seal blubber I'm so sorry if it's graphic but seriously. I got affected a little when they first appeared after no-exercise-too-much-food during the promos period but now I've accepted it with an open heart into my family. Welcome, fats!

The worst thing is, I'm not cutting down on eating like a dinosaur. My Mum's rather alarmed at my eating she says if I wasn't burning so much in training I'd balloon. My Dad too, asked me to control myself if not when I get fat it'll be so hard to burn it off. I know I'd never diet in my life (is this too absolute a statement) but the problem is I'm so lazy to go exercise. I hate running. Training is my only saviour.

But after not sweating for like weeks, the thought of sweating is a little icky. Roar I'm a wimp! And a whale, and seal blubber. I've a feeling this post will dis-a-ppear. Soon.

Mel once asked: Are you hungry? Or are you just not full.

I think sometimes I eat just for the sake of it. Oh gwosh, greedy, pig. Only when my stomach feels taut (as in when the contents of the stomach expand against my skin so much. Not when my stomach is taut like a bodybuilder's) will I then feel satisfactory.

Ok I think people around me lurrrrrve eating and that's SO FUN! :D It's where I belong!! Though they sometimes do a great job in curbing my mad intake of food. I eat too much carbos. Like eat more rice than the dishes maybe. FPC eats alot. Chinyi always asks: Are you gonna eat? The team.. Needless to say likes to "reward" ourselves for training hard. Irony. It comes back to us. Ties yea we eat too yea no one diets. Andrewbird wants to eat icecream 1 hour before a match. Yea, we're all guilt free.

Adie Pang is my strongest rival in eating. We eat without guilt. Omg I remember that time we were left together and although we had our lunch we still ate FULL MEALS with drinks desserts and all.. ... Until I stood up and I felt like I couldn't withstand my weight.

Ok sorry there is no moral value at the end of this post. I'm not going to diet, nor am I going to unveil a new exercise regime consisting of power training, V sit ups and whatnot. Groan I am that unfit. I pinched my tummy fats, I think I just welcomed a new layer into my family.

OH P.S/ Didja know, when I eat indian food at this place in Siglap with my family, I'd order briyani. It comes in this cute little pot. I finish it always, by myself. One fine day, Dad decides to unveil the horrible fact...

It's actually for three people. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

P.S.S/ Having fun in school and out! PW's fun! Quite happy so far, apart from the fact I'm so tired always to do OP. NO!!!!! I'M GOING TO CHANGE.

P.S.S.S/ Maybe pictures will come up. MAYBE.

Laidback

2008-10-09T03:28:00.000-07:00

Went beaching yesterday, it's like our 3rd home. Was sluggish; it was a day after the promos afterall I should be sleeping 20 hours! But anyway because of my (our) tummy bulge(s) we dragged ourselves up and the weather was PERFECT! Save for a light shower in the afternoon :D

Played Volleyball, tanned, slept, chatted, passed around Calvin & Hobbes to read, ate, drunk. Splashed in the water and attempted to be cheerleaders and it took 938329 attempts to do a stand on someone else's shoulders! I almost succeeded standing on Ben then I lost my balance. It was freaking funny in the water I was super weak from laughing.

Went up extremely tired, wet and cold and we saw the pinkish-orangey-reddish fiery ball of sunset in the distance and we raaan all the way to the end to watch it go. Took pictures and realised no one was with our stuff and we raced all the way back, panting! Talk about workouts!

Another good day :D Pictures with V!

If you just realise what I just realised:

2008-10-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

My emotions can hardly be controlled
I couldn't if I tried
I am a crybaby)':
I love you Daddy & Mummy,
Cos you both love me
The bestest.

The salt tears fell from him

2008-10-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

There's comfort in the words I see. Something familiar; nostalgia it may bring. But it all's too different now, is it the silence around me pressurizing thoughts in my head to surface? A noisy bike zooms past. The humidity stains the air and lingers. My thoughts linger. Go away. I close my eyes in a bid to chase them away. Futile. More bikes zoom. The clock ticks 3:34AM. Why am I up at this time feeling wide, wide awake I wonder. The text lies in front of me, open.

Iago
I see this hath a little dashed your spirits.

Othello
Not a jot, not a jot.

I nibble on my finger. Reminded of warnings not to do so. I put it down and continue typing. Am I having insomnia? Or did I take caffeine. But I don't drink coffee. Must be insomnia. The words in the text are a blur now, I should continue in the morning. The sun shall be my alarm. Your judgment if you have formed any, errs.

My thoughts are gone, time to sleep.

Put money in thy purse!

2008-10-05T04:05:00.001-07:00

I've had the mad urge to delete some of the recent posts and I did. I function on the weirdest of impulses. Most of the the time I don't regret them, and I'm hoping that time doesn't come so soon. Craving for some kind of thrill as of late, and they involve the maddest of things as well. Not wild, but actually sedated "fun" (like what, modifying my blogskin.)

A coupla more hours to liberation, and then somemore to (I'm hoping otherwise) a cage/coop. Terrifying thought.. Xs fingers.

I think I'm either borderline schizophrenic, or I'm just plain crazy. I pity those who has to suffer the brunt of either, mostly online (stares: Andrewbird and Agnes woo double A battery)

My next thrill shall be named, Shutterthrill.

Brabantio
But words are words: I never yet did hear
That the bruised heart was pierced through the ear

Parasite

2008-09-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

Doubt and worry are the cats that curl up in yr chest snugly and refuse to budge. Shoo, cats.

Hypothesis

2008-09-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

If you knew then what you know now
Would things have been the same
Maybe the paths won't appear
Maybe you would have changed

Finally

2008-09-24T06:08:00.001-07:00

If we could ever come to a realization, we know we are not permament. Merely figures moving around on this planet, trying and trying to understand the meaning. We feel like we have must a great purpose in life, a high order and a magnificent, gradiose reason for being alive. But as we walk down the winding road we see more beautiful things, and uglier ones that ruin too. And with each step we take we hesitate and pause and questions start to surface. We start thinking hard and thinking in circles and we frown as if in denial.

Is our purpose in life.. just to die?

4F Rekindled

2008-09-23T04:46:00.001-07:00

Forgot to put this up during rekindle week; here you go then. Another 2 years of bonds frozen in Snapshotland.

4Fathers, we love your Mums!

Oh no

2008-09-16T06:48:00.001-07:00

My teeth are moving.

Everything is kind of at a mad rush currently. Like a poor mice in its running mill. My hamsters used to tumble in the when they stopped suddenly. Someone pressed the fast-forward on Time. Heading towards the last lesson of the day (PE), I exclaimed: The day is ending!

Tiffany answers: The day is just starting.

Brain juice please flow out and enrich me with all your goodness so that I may have photographic memory and exceptional use of words! May I be a math genie-ass and do math like it's easy peasy peas! I can't lose my inner equilibrium or I'd panic, freak out, break out in cold sweat and run around in circles.

Mid-week blues.

Wondrous

2008-09-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

It's one of those beautiful, beautiful days again. When there is nothing but the whirring of the fan and silence, silence, silence. The air is crisp and fresh, the light streaming through the window is just perfect. I inhale deeply this wondrous feeling, and the slightly paranoid bug at the back of head idly wonders if something is going to come along today and shatter this peace.

I stretch at my window and smile, taking in this mild euphoric feeling of being alone after days and days of mad rushes, noise and screaming in the classrooms. What a nice change, I think to myself. Times like this I yearn to capture the moment into something tangible. How I wish I could just make a large sweeping motion and put everything into a bottle to savour afterwards. But I can't, and I am at a loss.

Dismayed, I let beautiful days seep into my memory, and slip past my grasp.

Bo(red)

2008-09-13T03:13:00.000-07:00

What Teozhixin Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience.
You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along.
But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are incredibly sexy and sensual. You have a naughty vibe that no one can ignore.
You have an unquenchable desire. And you are unrestrained in your passions.
You have a tendency to be unfaithful. Whether you fight it or give in to it is up to you.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

It 's actually quite accurate..

Teacher's Day: Hairpsray!

2008-09-12T02:17:00.000-07:00

Teacher's Day was a party! The Year 5s all dressed up according to themes, and we all took it super seriously! 5C13 set up a make-up, hairstyling booth in the canteen and it was a mad, mad rush prior to the concert.

"Pins!! Where are the pins!! I need the pins!!"
"Where is my hairclip!"
"Can somebody help me curl my hair!"
"You need more eyeshadow! Come!"

Our theme was Hairspray and boy did we look like it! *Beams*

(Someone thought Melissa's theme was Sayang Sayang! Hahahaha!)

Some other interesting characters..

Eugene the Geisha

Javier the Pirate (Nice goatee)

Xuan Chen the Dracula

Jia Jin the Iron Lady (Quite disturbing)

Vanessa the (freaking scary) Joker

Andrew the Rock(er)

It was also my best emcee-ing experience to date! I think dynamics with Vanessa were super good. Though there were some super last minute changes, we were able to impromptu fillers and still cotton on to each other's ideas fast enough! I could put aside my usually reserved side and sing 0.0 and impromptu some out by drawing strength from V. Kudos to you Joker! :D

Ripcurl 2008 (30th August)

2008-09-12T02:02:00.000-07:00

Ripcurl ended my super crazy week on a wonderful note. There's something about the gathering of all the lovers of the game, just soaking in the sun and the beautiful weather!

DHS Team 'B'

Team 'A'

Made an unexpected acquaintance with the HCI team too, having met them in all our "trainings" at Sentosa. We cheered each other on at our matches, and thanks to some non-volleyball DHS juniors who took part too for supporting us!

Our team won all in the first round and proceeded into the next, which is more than we would have expected! I don't know why but there's this inexplicable feeling after the entire day, something really close to extreme content and happiness. It's probably the carefree feeling we got playing without much pressure, but purely, solely for the love of the game.

On the treadmill

2008-09-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

Math tutorial..

I spent 2~3 hours in school today doing a single math assignment. Three questions! Tedious, brain-draining, eye-popping hours. Math is just not my thing): There were still a couple of Year 5s in the canteen studying even as we left at 8pm!

And, the worst news of the day: For Literature promos, IT'S NOT OPEN BOOK! I just gaped at the whiteboard in those deadly red ink. How! 2 Shakespeare + 1 Brave New World + 1 Pride And Prejudice (Icks) = 4 books!

Plus History is my 2nd paper after GP on the same day. Better start my history revision now. I'm like :/ about it. Mountains of work to do and clear, Cineodeon presentation to finalize, and WR! Upbeat about WR let's do a good job!

Burst of joy!!

2008-09-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Zhai Rui and team,

I am pleased to inform you that Dunman High School has been selected as a finalist for the Best Cineodeon Team (Pre-Tertiary) competition!

-----------

I had the good feeling about it the whole day and remained hopeful even till into the night! And I checked my email and I saw ZR's forwarded one, and then shortly after that received his message and I'm whooping!

2 months of hard, hard work! But there's a catch..

19 September: Symposium rehearsal
20 September: Symposium
.
.
.
.

29 September: Start of Promos

-----------

Time management, time management! Need to promote, or not I'd be tearing even while watching a comedy with my (hopefully) 10+ free tickets.

It's.... Showtime!

Do you know where I'm hiding?

2008-09-08T06:14:00.000-07:00

Good day Earthlings

2008-09-07T04:05:00.000-07:00

I have just returned in my spaceship from Mars.

Figured a way to enter blogger (cue: evil laugh) But it has been a horrible unproductive week so far, everytime I open notes I find myself soon in bed.

Cineodeon + Ripcurl competition + Teachers' Day pictures will all come a-rolling in!

Now that I found my space back to blog, all the words that entered my brain has run out the door. You almost never fail me, Murphy!

The regular Saturday dinners at Grandpa's house are jovial and so warm and happy! The turnout is almost always good, the 3 tables of dishes that they order always gets finished! Though now we always go home at 1+am because the adults are busy having fun playing mahjong. I always get zonked out at close to midnight. Playing with kids takes up so much of your energy!

(My nephew always threatens to kick my butt)

Grandpa's maid has went home yesterday. I wonder if they'd lock up the house or something. Please please may the gatherings continue?

It's back to school tomorrow, another few more weeks of crash coursing for promos and PW before we break! I hope I don't veer off course and literally crash.

Boom!

"That's where love lies"

2008-08-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

Chanced upon this book when I was in the school library browsing (rare!) And it made me cry and cry and cry): I cried the hardest that I ever did for a book / song! It was so sad. I want to devour all the books in the world. Words in all their beauty, with their power to make people think, cry, smile, escape.

I've been up to my neck and half buried in many things as of late, I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that

Thursday's Cineodeon
Friday's Teachers' Day
Saturday's Beach Volleyball competition

Will all go well.

Have the tendency to feel cwanky when things are extremely messy. Packed my file rather neatly. But I still find rubbish on my table. Don't have time to pack it today, so I amassed all of them and chucked them someplace else. Out of sight out of mind.

What's more I sprained my thumb and it made the packing worse and made my temper bad. Going to sleep my cwankyness off! And chop off my thumb.

P.S/ Thoughs have been imploding in my mind. Life has such wicked beauty!
P.S.S/ I shall keep a diary.

How deep is your love?

2008-08-23T01:38:00.000-07:00

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it's me you need to show

How deep is your love
How deep is your love, how deep is your love?
I really mean to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
They should all just let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest, darkest hour
You're my savior when I fall
And you may not think that I care for you
Well you know down inside that I really do
And it's me you need to show

How deep is your love?

Through the looking glass

2008-08-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a month.

It seemed rather long, too much work, too many things. But it's so short, looking back. I still cry about it sometimes, when I least expect it. The tears that spring in my eyes always catches me by surprise; walking home, doing work, reading a book. In my quietest moments when I am lost in my thoughts. I hope to preserve you in my memory. But it still feels like you were never gone. It can't be said for the rest though. The empty room in the office is a reminder of what was once there.

There are so, so much of the unknown. And the known things to us, well we hardly think much about it. Somedays we live life as it is, just a way of passing time. Others we suddenly pause and get startled by our frivolousness and superficiality. The realization strikes, for awhile. And then we return to our normal selves.

The people around us, flitting images. In and out, in and out of our lives. Some faces we forget, some we never fail to. Some names at the tip of our tongue, some oft-said. What is their purpose? What is ours?

And when the world is ending right before our eyes,
When our lives are reaching their demise
What will we think,
Whatever will we think of?

Storm

2008-08-18T06:39:00.000-07:00

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be all right
I know everything is alright

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

-------

I don't have the stamina to run a marathon, and the same can be said for other things as well. I wonder if insanity is a release, an escape. The human mind is the most powerful object in the world.

Slowly but surely

2008-08-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

I'm building up my momentum.

Times have been too hectic for any updates these few weeks, but it has been strenuous and chaotic; madhouse. Losing the point to blog but it might be only temporary. For now it's nice to leave my life in my surroundings and my anecdotes with people, like real life diaries who can recount and reminisce, unlike this cold cyberspace in bytes.

Perhaps it's time to make a difference in other people's lives, leaving more impact than words and pictures.

From now, a different direction.

Replay

2008-08-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

This week is the calm before the storm.

Wednesday: BMTC trip
Was an eye opener. I think army is pretty cool and I should think that if the guys aren't scared of it, they should be.. Soon. Testosterone filled place. Good luck! Hahahaha. The army guy might have angered our guys enough to make them train their pull ups. He's a mean machine.

Thursday: Red Cliff screening
CLL / Literature / CSC / GP kids got to go to the screening for free! It was super awe-inspiring and good show, makes me feel so proud to be a Chinese! (Eh I don't know how) The warriors were ultra cool they make me want to teleport to the past to be a General's daughter or some warrior princess or something hahaha!

Friday: Cross-country/National Day Celebration
Different kind of celebration today on a tiny Changi Beach. Stamina deproved by 1000 million (if I even have it in the first place) Bah! Maybe it's a blessing in disguise I can't take part in the 10km Nike Run. 10km. 10km. It's 10km!!!

*I run < 3km I think I want to hyperventilate and die. Wah, unfit (Hahahaha)
*Emotions might be exaggerated.

Came back just in time to catch a little bit of the opening ceremony for the Olympics! The performances I caught were ultra nice. And I watched 100 over countries' walk-in before they reached Singapore. Some countries I have never even heard of before! But it's so nice (for the lack of a better adjective) that the sporting spirits transcends all kinds of politics, or so it seems to the viewer at least.

Next week is the beginning of the storm! Madness the work + Cineodeon + house committee + my return to volleyball is happening in fateful week 8.

8-)

2008-08-03T00:39:00.000-07:00

In youth the days are short and the years are long; in old age the years are short and the days long.

(Nikita Ivanovich Panin, 1718-1783)

I think now I'm in old age. We're all suddenly startled by the fact that it's "already August?!" and suddenly in this month everything comes rushing to you at break-neck speed; everyone's stepping on the gas. Everything's happening in this month.

I've been getting better by the days (both emotionally and physically) so that's something I have to be thankful for. Healing on the works of love from friends, family and for the love of the game I love and would want to go back training for the exciting match on the 30th. Everything works better with an aim I realized (Or a deadline)

Whatever I have done last week academically is just total crap I don't know why I really wasn't in a right state of mind but I shall let it pass and restart week 7 on a healthy mindset and body! There's nothing like a good dash of optimism to rejuvenate you though sometimes I think optimism = denial.

Hello, hello this place called vertigo....

Curbside prophet

2008-07-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

Chanced upon my horoscope in the papers today and it struck me.

You rely on your smarts on most days, but right now, you risk over-thinking which could lead to paralysis. Try to just move forward without worrying about all the angles. Things will work out!

I thought it was rather accurate! And I'll put my faith in it and believe it! Things will work out, things will. And I'm hoping (just like the last) that this week will end fast and next week will be a better time.

I must regain my health!

Health points now: 20%

What a week

2008-07-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

Shit! I woke up late and completely missed the gym session, leaving only Wanting + Mel there! Could've smashed myself against the wall or something, feel like the worst person on earth): I'm super sorry to the both of you!! Ultra x 10000 sorry! I don't know what happened to me though, found myself on my parents' bed.. And found that I slept through my alarm. Roar! Super upsetting! Did I sleepwalk there in the middle of the night?

>:(

I thought it was finally the end of a super hard, insomniac week. Guess it was not to be. I hope this week ends fast and the next is better to live/get through.

Feel like I'm losing control and losing myself :S I must get a grip before everything just spirals out of control. Need the fire back in me, I think it was doused by tears (at the risk of sounding cheesy) Keep finding myself a little disoriented. I'm angry and impatient at what's happening to me!

(Oh plus the payment for the Nike Run was screwed so I guess I won't be taking part in it anymore! Another huge negative point for the week. Stupid.)

#@)$% Ok start slow. I need to get myself back on track. And also for my studies. And most importantly, I need to begin playing again like I have in the past, with even more determination and hunger for the win. Can't let myself and the team down.

I can I can I can I can I must do it.

This is a stupid "crisis".

A letter to Grandpa: Closure

2008-07-24T06:10:00.001-07:00

Dear Ah Gong,

How are you now? Ok I hope. Today we sent you off on your final journey. It was hard definitely, for all of us. It was the first time I saw Daddy and my uncles cry. But Daddy says it shouldn't be a sad occasion because you went peacefully and have had many generations after you.

It's consoling that you didn't have any diseases or ailments and lived to a ripe old age. You even drove and climbed stairs till the time you were hospitalised this year! And you even have many great-grandchildren. We're a big, big family with 40~50 members.

When we went back to the house after the last procedures, we were looking at the old photos and reminisicing about you and laughing at the old pictures of our parents. And guess what? They said I look like you most amongst them. I never noticed that and I still can't see the resemblance, but even my Mum thinks I do. Have you ever had the same thought too? But I feel kind of happy I have something else in common with you other than my DNA.

I respect you a lot Ah Gong. You were a quiet man of few words, but you cared a lot for the family and the company. You had a fierce pride and rather stubborn but I admire you for your strength. Everyone says you're cute do you know? Even the nurses who were in charge of you says so!

You were a great man. A father, grandfather, great-grandfather. A valuable friend, a good neighbour. A valuable board member, a respected boss. The benefactor for school children in China whom you built the school for, a respected member of the various associations. A devoted husband.

You are the head of the entire family, I kind of feel at a loss. I wonder if there'd still be family gatherings amidst our busy schedules. Come to think of it, even though you didn't enforce gatherings or meet ups at all, you were the strings that bound us all together. I wonder what will happen to the house, we all hope it stays forever. It means a lot to us. I wonder if CNY will be the same again, I really hope so.

And at least you get to meet Ah Ma again, now :D

I bet technology isn't that advanced to translate this and send it to above for me, but I still hope you know we all miss you so much and that I'd forever remember you. No you, no me :D Proud to be a Teo. I still cry about it sometimes, but time will heal!

阿公, 再见!

From your grandchild :D

I hope this reaches you

2008-07-20T23:30:00.000-07:00

If Destiny calls you, please don't answer its calls
If Fate cajoles you to follow Her, ignore
It's not your time yet, it's not
I have not said Goodbye

And even if I have, you must stay
To see the next season's colours
To once again feel the warmth on your face
To see our smiles, hear us say Hello

It must be tough, painful
But please hang in there
For our love will pull you through
Time will heal your wounds

Be strong like I know you to be
And fight till the end
But hear me, please hear me
You can make it

You can.

xxx

About an hour after I wrote the above, Grandpa left for a better place. I'll always always keep you in memory Ah Gong.

Rest in peace.

♥

Dead of the night

2008-07-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

Awake at 3:30AM because the weather is soo good! And pair it with the super good music it's the perfect recipe for a quiet night. Though it doesn't contribute much to finishing my work at a productive rate (brain's a bit dead I realized) it's rather nice to discuss Volleyball and such. I marvel at my stubborness and inability to learn a lesson, will sleep after this I promise.

Signed up for Nike Run with A'Div. I hope it doesn't kill me. And if it doesn't.. it'll make me stronger! Really determined to train my hardest for the final year. Use up all the fight in me. But first I got to do something about my health, currently am like some weak duckling. Pfft!

I wonder how Grandpa is doing, his condition is rather critical. I hope and hope and hope he'd be strong and be alright.

I think I really like the night. No need to attend to anyone, get distracted by anything and just be at ease with everything else. It's like a sphere of safety that I get rather disturbed should it be compromised. I like it that it seems like you're the only one awake apart from fellow owls on MSN, but their company is somehow welcomed. Thoughts run through and I let them go. Time moves slowly in the night, lengthening the passage to dawn.

That's what we're all shunning from sometimes isn't it? The arrival of day, the onset of the hustle-bustle, cacophony of noises that seems to drowns you, envelopes you.

Good night.

"Well in case you never noticed,
the path you never chose has chosen you.
Awful happens all the time, try not to let it kill you."

Stood by the window

2008-07-17T05:23:00.000-07:00

And realised
Silence has a sound.

These 2 days have been spent resting. Sleep has been bogged down relentless dreams one after another but there's one super nice dream! I fell in love with this aboriginal guy!

There's one I woke up crying from because I was so angry in my dream. And there's one where I got lost.. I squeeze my eyes and frown in a bid to remember but those, they are just elusive. Come and goes, come and goes. One day it comes back and I think "Deja vu!" but they were just previously forgotten dreams.

I feel like I'm on Mars at home while the others are at school. Only snippets of information come via SMS / MSN and thanks to all those who asked after me!

I wonder if the constant thinking about life will help make it even better. Some things I find it hard to translate it into words coherently. Time's running like mad, got to catch up, got to keep up.

But I'm chasing it day after night; night after day.

Got to revv up my mood to study and prepare to go for the kill again! And this time I must mean business. A mean fighting machine. Wa chaa! Does Bruce Lee move. It's Week 4 going on Week 5 come Monday and time sure is running out. Go me! Go me!

And we must win Cineodeon!
And get A for PW!
And like math + history!

Okay, and get well soon Grandpa):

Monkeylove

2008-07-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

Went to watch the films today in the small screening room at Esplanade. We camped there for 4 hours! And watched about.. 6, 7 of them? Back-to-back. My eyes + brain almost imploded! And some of the films are really.. .. ..

Anyway we got to go back to sift through more films to pick and quickly get down to doing the proposal! Shuan did not email me nor guanyinma! Hahahahaha.

Watched monkeylove and then after the film all of us just sat in silence. It was a good short film. Super touching + meaningful until it got a bit wonky.

Headache, and a homework mountain. Haha, bye :D

A little breather..

2008-07-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

Before I continue this madness.

Deleted the saved post I typed earlier on. No point ranting to the whole wide world. Anyway feel a lot more safer now I've ticked off 2 major pieces of homework on my list. It's neverending really, relentless!

Wait am I ranting?!

Anyway my table is in a huge mess. Ok to others it's spotless and neat because I took a step back and it really does look like it's super neat but I think it's in a mess. Not very organized. It's a mad compulsion.

It's kind of nice being a busy bee! Like buzz buzz buzz around!
but I think I really need to um, re-cultivate my love for history.

Mum: You can work in the zoo
Me: As what?
Mum: As a panda

I think my ruler ran away.
11:25PM oh no! It is one more reason to have Monday blues!

I look like I'm typing a poem. So let me give you all a haiku:

Haikus are easy
But they don't always make sense
Refridgerator

Okay. But I'm kind of excited over Cineodeon. We get to go to Library@Esplanade to watch the poignant films and we must squish the other teams to get the 80 free movie tickets! Should be 80 right, 18 is a weird number and is pathetic for a group of 5-8. Go go (Insert cool group name which we haven't found yet)! We have to stop eating our way to fatdom.

Back to history):

"This heavy act with heavy heart relate."

2008-07-11T08:14:00.001-07:00

IAGO
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.

Few shots were aimed directly to our hearts today, not a real good feeling when you're also concerned with a gecko crawling all over the gym floor. Guess we (and they) are all we have now. Less than a year (!) I hope I never lose the fight in me. And if "the final fight we'll win", it's time to see and prove the testament true. Thinking back, just how many times have we cried? The reasons for the heartbreak are almost the same: We were so close, so close, so close. No more then, for the final time next year!

My Arden Shakespeare has a dog ear for its cover page, a little sad. Guess new things.. Don't stay new.

Note to self:
Balance studying + CCAs + house + other commitments even better this semester.
And stop behaving in a weird manner.

In the dead of the night

2008-07-10T11:16:00.001-07:00

All of a sudden a wave of nostalgia hits me, and from top-to-toe memories from the secondary school days resound. Like a washed-out film playing from afar, looking at the past from a third person perspective, from a bird's eye view sometimes. I wonder if as days pass, the memories get less distinct, more vague. Less familiar, more precious.

I could squeeze my eyes shut and try to replay them and most of the times I succeed; the feelings come back, the surroundings turn familiar. What wonderful elusive objects memories are. How intangible that they are unable to be kept in a box, how precious that you would want to etch it in your head, and your heart to bring along with on your journey.

Occasionally I stumble across real tangible evidence of things that happened. Some things need closure, some were beautiful times frozen in photographs. But my heart softly (real softly) goes "Oh!" with pleasure and delight because I'm thankful for all that has happened along the way, that has shaped and taught me, loved and kept me safe (and sane).

And I keep that all, I keep them all with me.

I love you House Committee 08!

2008-07-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

DHS (SENIOR)

FIRST HOUSE COMMITTEE

2008

Some pictures a bit grainy nearing dusk! Edited brightness.
More outings + more pictures yea?

<3!

Sports Carnival 2008

2008-07-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

Oryx was the champion! :D

In the morning before it began I was extremely nervous/scared for who-knows-what, kept prep-talking with Eugene and Ray. But it was unfounded I must say, it turned out well because we swept away almost all prizes! Well done Oryx! Extremely proud of all and all of you because I could tell everyone found it in their hearts to play to their best and fullest :D And looking at the attendance lists.. Almost everyone came!

Thank you, Oryx! I really am super super proud of you guys and happy to be in this house!

The whole day I ran around cheering teams, settling round island matters/logistics and picking up calls from them, last minute allocation but it was still fun!

The sports carnival probably really helped to bond Oryx. Anyone in green was family and no one hesitated to help each other out by cheering their voices hoarse or by running and doing their best. It was an amazing feeling!

From when we were last (and I was determined to be the first) and now our dream came true.. I felt super relieved instead of euphoria. Guess our hardwork was really worth it! We have to continue to work hard for the rest of the year! :D

Thank you Ray + Eugene, for being the brains when I had none, for being the support I needed and the encouragement to keep me going on. Both of you are so important! You guys trained me up to be more extroverted, something which this INFP lacks and you 2 ENFPs possess. Thanks for being so funny and silly at times. And yet responsible and serious too :D Thanks, all in all, for being there. You guys are DA BOMB.

Thanks to all 5C13, ties, and friends for always supporting me and encouraging me all the way. Ham, Mel, Eva... Thanks for the card + gift it was so thoughtful of you guys to remember me and for remembering what I said just in passing. I've known all you guys for a long time and the friendship's beautiful, really is :D

Thank you house committee 2008 this few months + weeks have been arduous yet it wouldn't be fun without you 11! Y'guys are fun and funny, so easy to be with, and I'm so glad we're the chosen 12 (haha) working alongside as the first house committee to create history :D You guys will form a very special and significant piece of memory when I leave JC! Thanks for all and all of your support it was so so important to me! Let's work hard together still, ok? To continue creating history:D Thank you Mr Alan Tan for trusting in me so much and giving me so much support, thank you!

Thanks, you :D For always always being there for me and knowing how to remedy all the pains + frustrations. "You make things easier when life gets hard." :D

For me, I feel so relieved it's over, and happy we got to make history by engraving our name on that Challenge Shield. It's gratifying to be the first captain of a winning house and I will continue to work hard and give all I can in my capacity as the Oryx captain. I want to make my term as captain as fulfilling as possible, to give the best to my members as far as I can, so as to not leave this position with regrets I can never bring a closure to :D

DHSVB @ Sentosa

2008-06-29T01:11:00.000-07:00

Somersault into the sand till your breath knocks out
Crash into the waters without a care
Laugh and laugh till you roll around
Wrestle, play rugby, scream
Dig and receive and spike
Under the blue, blue skies
Sit and think and ponder
If we're all only one-time wonders
Bury people in the sand
Not a pretty sight
Live into the night
Completely own the entire beach
Not a single soul, except us
Start to think if there'll be many days like this
In the future
If we'd still be in a tight safe circle
If we'd be doctors, lawyers, teachers
But we laugh off this serious matter
And put it off till later
And start to live life as it is
Do all and all of these,

With the people I love
With the people I love.

Quizzzical

2008-06-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

A real busy week has passed and a busy week coming up ahead! Term 3 is really opening with a bang! So much work to do I have to plan for plans and prepare for preparations and ensure that everyone is going to be happy and me satisfied because I did everything to the best of my abilities. Anyway, busy bee me has a distraction!

Got tagged by Yi Xian:

Seven things that scare you:
(1) Snakes!!!!
(2) Basically reptiles and amphibians
(3) Bad news
(4) Prospects of losing someone I know
(5) Regret
(6) People saying: I have something to tell you..
(7) Sudden shocks

Seven things you like most:
(1) Volleyball x 100
(2) People. The world will be nothing without people, no?
(3) Starry nights! Even 1 or 2 stars will do
(4) Wonderful weather!
(5) Nice songs
(6) Good poetry/lyrics
(7) Thinking (Haha!)

Seven random facts about you:
(1) I used to be not able to eat if there are stationery like crayons/glue in my sight
(2) I hate making a mess on the table when I eat
(3) I cry/tear uncontrollably at a lot of things and a lot of my thoughts
(4) I like to be tan and want to be tanned (weird obsession)
(5) I get extremely extremely high when I'm fatigued. Then I get even more fatigued
(6) Took ballet for more than a decade though you can't really see it in me now
(7) I keep saying Loch Ness Monster as Noch Less

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
(1) Get married
(2) Finally finish discovering purpose of my existence?
(3) Complete / have a closure to all regrets
(4) Make things in my head a possibility
(5) Find the love of my life and do task (1)
(6) Do meaningful stuff
(7) Have a good life and be good to all around me

Seven things you can do:
(1) Survive all trainings so far
(2) Be clumsy at even the simplest things
(3) Listen to people
(4) Waste time when I don't want to waste time
(5) Shout damn loudly on court (but have the inablity to complete a simple shouting dare)
(6) I can cook.. instant noodles! And fry an egg
(7) I can

Seven things you say the most:
(1) "I feel like I'm in a dream" -- This was the ultimate phrase I keep saying in the past
(2) "I'm hungry!"
(3) "I want to sleep"
(4) "I'm not a bimbo" -- Always to Ray + Eugene ): I am NOT ok.
(5) "Hello!"
(6) "And / he / she / they / I"?
(7) "Ace" -- Hahahah

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:
(1) Sensibility? Thoughfulness?
(2) Biological natural inclinations?
(3) I think humour is quite important
(4) A bit of an opposite personality?
(5) Ability to connect!
(6) Chemistry?
(7) A magnet in our pockets

-----------

Ah finally completed this funny quiz. I normally don't do those but see Yixian I'm a good friend because I answered your call in school (Hahahaha!) I thought it was an emergency! Ok I feel like sleeping already. But I won't. Can't.

Gym today was quite .. I don't know. My weights decreased significantly, and thinking about the "space exercise" makes me feel like I'm in it. Like the after-effects. I can't even do 100(lbs? kg?) like the others. Maybe should eat more to gain more mass. Ok no no no no bad idea. And I hate the squishing machine most.

Ok see ya later alligators.